Not an Introvert

By: Kaniz Sumiya
TLP Letter Writer

Not an Introvert

For a long time, I thought I was introverted, that I just kept to myself because I didn’t want to bother speaking. Really, that was what I told myself, a means of consolation. The truth was that I shook at the mere thought of making friends, speaking to people, and having to maintain eye contact with someone. In fact, one of the most awful parts of high school was an activity in which our teacher forced us to shout as loud as we could, an activity to release our tension. I was able to shout, but my insecurities had straight-up attacked me, and what should’ve been a lion’s roar was the sound of a squeak.

That moment was all in one mortifying and beyond embarrassing, yet somewhere along the line, I never realized that I wasn’t just reserved but I was afraid.

I was even afraid of how my shout would sound that day.

I was afraid every single day of my life, afraid that I wasn’t good enough, not confident enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough.

I was not an introvert, I was anxious and terrified.

Eventually, I grew sick of my entrapment. Rather than one moment of realization and a flood of emotions, it had all built up over time until it just struck me. I stared at my cracked ceiling every night and I wondered about every single time I was ignored and pushed over. Most importantly, I thought about how I cared whether someone liked me or not all the time- but did I ask myself whether I liked them?

Unfortunately, this change wasn’t immediate, then again, change never is. It started with merely taking the time to get used to hearing how my ideas translate into words and mentally reciting and rephrasing the same sentence 100 times before I even let the words leave my mouth. When I did begin to use my voice, whether at get-togethers or gatherings, people looked at me in bewilderment.

Like I imagined, not everyone was happy with my change. To name a few, my aunts disliked my interjections when they spoke about appearances. My boisterous classmates hated the idea of not being able to speak over me. Even some of the people, who I thought were my friends, got angry when they saw I wouldn’t oblige to their every request.

In a way, this made me come to a bigger realization, that this fear had stemmed from a long line of judgment I had known existed and fostered in people’s minds. The only difference now was I started to ignore it. I was so sick of wishing and dreaming to the point where I knew I couldn’t see change if I didn’t commit to it myself.

This large transition was not easy- I lost many, and in a way, I lost part of my old self as soon the word “no '' was added to my dictionary. But I was okay with it.

Thinking back, this transition could have been so much easier, if only I had someone to tell me that I could rely on them and that my voice mattered. That’s why, I’m here to tell you that you do matter, and that life is too short to be living as someone else. Some words of wisdom: “Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.”

What I Wish I Would've Known

Written By: Kimberly Crickette

Today I’m sharing a few things I wish I knew when I was younger. The lessons I have since learned are ones that I try to share with my younger sister in order to make her journey in this world a little less tumultuous. My hope in sharing these is that a few of my words resonate with someone else, even if the only idea you come away with is that the struggles you are wading through now may one day be lessons you no longer associate with fear or panic, but with tenderness and a new perspective. 

You always have a choice. 

When life feels heavy or stagnant, you can (and should!) reflect on which areas in your life you can make changes. It’s never too late to make those changes to mold a life that makes your soul feel bright, deeply alive, and full of purpose. This life is yours; don’t let pressure from others keep you from decisions that feel good and right to you. The people who love you will be supportive of you making the best decisions for your wellbeing. For me personally, this has looked like transitioning to a new career path, choosing different housing arrangements, and dedicating more time to hobbies that fill my emotional bucket.

Your feelings aren't tsunamis. 

I have often felt like there was something wrong with me because I was so sensitive. And I’ll be the first to admit that at times, emotions can be terrifying. They might feel like they'll wipe you out and keep you down, but they won't. Instead of ignoring an unpleasant emotion or pushing it down (because that’s just a surefire way to ensure the emotion will keep bouncing to the surface), I've learned that the best way through is to recognize and welcome those emotions the way you would a visitor. Often, intense emotions are indicators of areas in our life that require additional attention. 

However, if you’re feeling unlike yourself, talking to a doctor or a therapist is never a bad idea. There's no shame in caring for your brain the same way you would care for your body. Trust your gut. 

You will find your people, I promise. 

I remember so many variations of this worry - whether or not I would meet true friends I would walk through life with, whether or not I would find a loving partner, whether I would always feel that I cared more than others in relationships and friendships...etc. Eventually, I figured out that when I showed up from a place of authenticity and vulnerability, I felt good in my own skin, and it showed. The right people gravitated towards me, and I thank God for them every day for the way they show me that they appreciate and love me.

Nurturing your inner child can help you feel safer during moments of uncertainty or anxiety. 

It’s taken me a while to get comfortable with the idea of “downtime”, but over the years my narrative around self-care has radically changed. It is neither lazy nor unproductive; rather, it is essential to finding peace in our hectic world. I can always tell when I have been neglecting self-care because my anxiety always ramps up. Some ways that I nurture my inner child are by doing art (I’m particularly drawn to simple pen drawings right now), spending quality quiet time reading on the couch beside loved ones, writing with a candle nearby, and HUGS. 

For The Letter Project.

Kimberly Crickette

The Middle School Basketball Player Turned Cheerleader

Written By: Holly Enowski, The Letter Project Brand Curator

When posed this question, I immediately became uncomfortable. Younger me was not cute, nor did she have a clue what she was doing. In fact, 5th grade me was picked on because she was taller than all her classmates, was student body president, and had a chronic inability to brush her hair. The apex of beauty that I was had big black-framed rectangular glasses (before they were cool) and bright braces with color-coordinated bright rubber bands. I wore a sweater vest (a sweater! vest! - mom, how could you do this to me?) and a skirt for my school district-wide speech on Veteran’s Day that landed on the front page of the newspaper. All in all, not a cutie girl and that’s just the truth.

When I got into middle school, I remember being “not enough” for everyone in every social circle. A “friend” turned to me in the cafeteria one day and said “do you want to know the truth — you’re not even good at basketball and you only do cheerleading because you’re also bad at basketball” as she turned and said nothing else the rest of the lunch period. I was an oddball — I played basketball and was a cheerleader at the same time, which meant (a) a busy schedule and (b) lots of outfit changes on game night. I enjoyed it and it was a fun season in life, but her words stung and the weight of them carried well into high school when I ultimately dropped both activities.

In middle school, I wish I would’ve taken to heart the sentiment that you would be surprised at who is watching your journey and being inspired by it. The number of younger girls and older girls who sent me messages about how “cool” it was that I didn’t pick one sport over the other is in the dozens - but, I let one mean comment cloud any positive feedback I was receiving. The 5th grade me wore a sweater vest and skirt because (a) my mother made me or I didn’t know how to match clothes — both likely true, and (b), more importantly, I had bigger things to do than worry about my outfit for the day. Middle school Holly wanted to make a difference — whether that meant starting a clothing closet at school, working with friends to create a resource guide for incoming 7th graders, or inspiring one girl to try a sport she wasn’t good at — and that resounding theme was my foundation to stay true to me in times of defeat, competition, and mean girls.

There will always be people who don’t like you, but for some reason, it’s harder to navigate when it’s other girls. Now that I’m older, I see so much that our anger, hurt, and frustrations hurled at each other are projections of our own insecurities, unworked issues, and built-up emotions. I wish I would’ve known that it’s not you - and had the inner confidence to walk on. God calls us to love one another in kindness and forgiveness, not to hold grudges, to have ill-intentions, or to be mean in return. Middle school is KILLER for character development (say that again!) - trust me when I say you’re more than what people say about you, you’re more than your accomplishments, and the ways in which you handle yourself with kindness and grace are inspiring someone else to do the same.

Middle school is much different now than it was for me — even though it was only 5-6 years ago for me. With the popularity of social media, clothing trends, and other influences, I challenge middle school gals to remember their influence. Likes, views, trends, and the words of people will fade - but your influence will not. You're worthy of so much more than what others may say. You’ve got this!

For The Letter Project,

Holly Enowski